The Woes of Walmart

Geeze-A-Pete! Where do i begin? I try and avoid Walmart at all cost, but those damn low low falling and dropping prices keep luring me back into it's sick twisted game. That, and it's the only place I have found that I can print out pictures in 13 minutes and buy vitamins for $6-$12...Fish Oil by the way is on SUPER SALE!!! MUST STOCK UP! :)

Anyways...Since I procrastinated the road trip to Walmart Monday night I HAD to go last night...with what started out and always does as a 2-3 item list...events happened that led to this blog...

Main Goal of this Trip: Yoga Ball, Print Pics, and Flea stuff.

Easy right?

In and Out?

As I got home already later then usual I started to ponder is there ANYTHING ELSE I MIGHT POSSIBLY NEED this week? .. yep B12! Oh and Tofu, if I get tofu i need mushrooms, oh and maybe some veggies for lunch this week, ohhhh and Limes for my Gin :) and cooking too, oh and face stuff (which means new face wash), and black beans. By the time I walked into walmart all of these items grazed my list. Of course walking out at $113.00 I bought Waaaay more then what was on my list...but that's ok.. I'm use to that.. besides that's the trap i mean beauty of Walmart right?

Ok, so first stop is the picture center.. Now, I like this part.. deciding which pics to print and what I'm gonna use them for...:) I find great joy and pleasure out of this and it's multi-tasking.. while I finish my quick shopping list I go back to the pic center and my pics are ready! whoo hoo Wonderful Invention! Thank you! I always go the the picture computer off to the side, in case some inappropriate pics pop up I don't want ALL of Walmart to see...so I park my cart, pop in my camera disk thing and start loading...as I'm loading this couple or maybe could have possibly been father and daughter duo walked past. A lil on the white trashy side...grey sweat pants, one leg rolled up, a white tee...hair a mess, and that was her...teeth missing of course and I believe he was wearing some type of jean overall :) hmmmm Like Bruce from Swamp People!!!! NOt that there is anything wrong with being a lil on the white trashy side..i embrace my fellow southerns...just giving a description. So, they pass me and he says, or grunts a little.."hmmm nice tat...you see that honey, look at that sleeve"..she glances back at me nods and proceeds to roll the sleeve of her white tee up to show off her shoulder tat :) I appreciate good ink just as much as the next person, but at walmart? hmmmmm Oh and I guess I should mention My Attire for my Walmart Excursion...I left on my "work clothes" which was my "easter sunday dress" which I call it.. it's cute, a lil preppy, flowy, spring flowers, and my pink yoga mat flip flops...hair up in a flower clip...

Next, still at the photo center, I see a Pirate walking in front of me!! Yes, a man dressed in a pirate costume, minus the eye patch, and the hat, plus a case of PBR (so right away I was intrigued). I couldn't look away, my mind starting wandering what is this guy doing? Is he really a pirate? Maybe otw to a party? or work? if work, what does he do? I wanna dress up like a pirate for work...and hmmmm PBR.. then I craved PBR.. by being intrigued and having all these questions rushing over me.. i was staring, probably with my mouth opened. Then I started thinking who wears a Pirate Costume on a tuesday at 730pm in Walmart?? this guy must be super confident, drunk, or stoned..and he was all alone.. hmmmmm His response to my google eyeing him.. he walks passed with his case of PBR tucked under his arm like a treasure chest and winks, then keeps walking! WHAT?! who winks at a stranger in Walmart dressed like a PIRATE?!?!?!  OMG all I could do at this point was laugh, yes out loud too! :) Thank you Pirate man for winking and making me laugh!
Another wonderful BONUS about going to Walmart - you always leave feeling WAAAAAAY Better about yourself then you did going in! Example, I'm still feeling bloated and swollen in the ab area from surgery, my face is breaking out like i'm 12yo, I hadn't washed my hair in 2-3 days, or shaved my legs in a week...so yeah, going into Walmart hoping I don't see anyone I know - - -

ALL DONE with the picture center, onto the face stuff and vitamins! Check, Check, leaving the vitamin section racing my cart around the corner like a rock star - super speed, these two very large black women approach me.. after I had already passed them. So, now I have to back step, turn around and say yeah? the shorter one asked, "can we see your sleeve?" In my head I think see it? uh.. it's right here.. hanging out for ALL OF WALMART TO SEE...outside my head I politely rolled up my tiny lil dress sleeve so they could ohhh and ahh and ask "did it hurt". OMG really? do you think if it hurt ME that bad I would have gone with the full one? anyways.. the taller woman as they are inching closer and closer into my personal space which I'm trying to block with my cart, I notice has just about as much facial hair as Matty Ice does...but shave down so you shouldn't notice it..but when I was super close I backed up.. almost jumped a lil, bc I was scared.. finally back to get my pics and finish my shopping.. After this experience I was annoyed and ready to leave, called Matty Ice while I continued to shop A) wanted to talk to him and B) what better way to wart off people approaching you if you're on the phone :) :) :) !!!!

Next battle at Walmart is always the Check Out LINE UGGGGGGGGGGG thank God for cell phones with facebook and texting to pass what sometimes feels like an hour standing in line, scoping out other people's CRAP IN THEIR CARTS - that pisses me off too...but that's a HB BLOG....as I'm waiting in line fb'in it up and texting Matty I glance forward and see this little mini person aka a baby probably 1 or 2 yo walking around with no shoes on aimlessly...geeze really people? if you're gonna have them, keep up with them. Then my stomach fell to my feet, mouth wide open, and a sigh of ugggg omg poor woman came rushing out of my mouth. There in front of me pushing a cart full of groceries all my herself was this pregnant woman mid-late 20's, with twin boys about 3 yo, and another lil one tugging on her side leaving Walmart. Thanks, but NO THANKS! hopefully she was babysitting some of the rugrats..but more then likely she's from Arkansas where this is completely the NORM. Like Matty told me the other day, I am no longer welcomed in Arkansas, they would probably burn me at the stake. . .

I'm Done, paid, and walking out, slipping my hot pink shades back on pushing my now $113.00 walmart shopping spree when all of the sudden out of no where out of my right view is this OLDER MAN.. probably 50-60 yo give or take. And here it goes again.. he says in a low country accent "how'd ya get ur dress to match ur tattoo?" Not having anything quick and witty to round off, now being exhausted from my Walmart Excursion I shrugged my shoulders and said Lucky I guess.. kept a walking a lil faster now. He crosses behind me to go left I continue straight and he says, "well that's a nice tattoo, and that's a nice dress too, looking good" with a lil extra creep in his voice and creep in his eye. AHHHHHHHHHH Thank God the Cops were in the parking lot in case I couldn't get away fast enough...

This is why I dread walmart.. people will approach you and want to chat.. Next time I'm gonna pull a Chelsea Handler and start making up bullshit lies and try and become their super fast best friends then fart!  :)

UNtil Next Time ~ Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr